Anxiety for me is like being angry for someone else. There were times if I wasn’t sure if I was feeling angry or just anxious. What makes me anxious would be losing control of my anger. Before getting diagnosed with AS (Aspergers Syndrome), I became so used to the feeling of being angry, stressed and anxious, it was the norm for me. I became numb to the feelings that I didn’t realise what made me lose control. When I look back now, it was got to do with information overload. Maybe I did feel anxious but I just didn’t notice.

Look at it like this. I like to refer my anger and meltdowns as a volcano. Somebody says something that I didn’t like, I feel agitated, but I let it go like a pinch of salt. This is only raising my anger a small bit. Then something else happens – say if someone pushed or touched off me, that would make me a little bit more angry, considering that I don’t like people touching off me. Over the day or week, the same thing happens over again, by accident of course.

The volcano is at bubbling point at this stage. I don’t say how I’m feeling, not knowing how to express it on my face. Then with a blink of an eye, something triggers my meltdowns. The volcano erupts – and bam I’ve lost control. I insult, shout, cry and then eventually falling asleep over an hour later. This was a constant cycle until I got diagnosed with AS. Then I started to learn, accept, grow and acknowledge that I have AS, and I will have it for the rest of my life. My meltdowns are now controllable and I am well self aware of when I am feeling moody – I like to find my own peace by being by myself. This helps me to control my moodiness and prevents meltdowns